Sir ended up messaging me shortly after I posted on here that he didn’t say a word to me after looking at my other page. Guilty conscience? Maybe. Well he got a surprise when he hopped on Skype because after I see Chick #2 post what she did, I sent him one LONG ass message about it. One of these days he will regret telling me to never hold back with him. Considering I’m a writer, once I start pouring out the thoughts in my head, I don’t stop for quite some time after.
So after he read my message, he took the time to write out a pretty detailed response, which is actually incredibly odd for him. Usually he doesn’t say much. But today he did. Today he took the time and while some of his response was less than ideal, he did make some valid points.
- I am making things worse for myself by following her page. I justify it by saying I need to know what’s going on because how else will I know?
- She’s in another country, so he said STOP WORRYING. (I get it. She would have to take care of a lot of legal shit which would get expensive and she certainly doesn’t have the funds for that.)
He did mention he has to get past his commitment issues again which is what is holding us back from being more. When he got back from his first deployment, she abandoned him when he needed her most. And his brain has been messed ever since. Deployments are hard enough, dealing with all the things you experience and see, and when you lose the one that got you through, it’s devastating. And I understand that.
I do feel he still has his ex on a pedestal she doesn’t deserve to be on. She moved on long ago, and he needs to as well. He needs to deal with his deployment issues. Then and only then will he be able to give of himself like he wants. Because he does want to, but he’s just not in a place where he can really give his all. So instead, most of the time, he just fools around, mindless screwing. Sometime he gets too involved, like he did with me, and then gets scared because everything is moving too fast for him and it frightens him.
I think part of it is because he’s afraid if he allows himself to feel and truly embrace the love he feels, the girl will do to him what his ex did. Yeah, some girls may, but he needs to realize at some point…I’M NOT LIKE MOST GIRLS. I swore to stick behind him through all of this, through the distance, the months of being separated, because I do love him that much and am willing to make many sacrifices to be with him.
I wanted to have his babies like we’ve talked about so many times. I want to see his face when my belly is huge and I’m ready to pop. I want to see his face when he holds his son or daughter for the first time.
I also wanted the right he told me he was going to put on my finger because he wanted me to be his wife. We talked about it for hours one night, what our wedding night would be like. It would have been the opposite of what I had with my ex.
The thing is, if Sir was here at that moment, and he looked at me and said “Marry me, right now”, I’d have done it because in my heart of hearts, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted that. I still do.
But unless Sir gets his shit together and realizes that I’m the one he’s been searching for, none of that is going to happen. And I don’t know how long I can hang on, how much hurt I can deal with, before he lets go of the past and embraces the future.
If he really searched inside of himself, he’d see exactly how he feels and what he wants. He admitted again today that we do have this intense connection that we can’t ignore. And I thought maybe it was a fluke, especially the way I react to him, but after talking to a new acquaintance on Fetlife, my current issue with orgasms is one a sub of his had.
I’ve never had my orgasms tied to another person. And I literally cannot come for anyone else or on my own without thinking of him. I either have to think of him and pretend he’s here with me, record videos for him or have intimate time on Skype. Otherwise, it doesn’t happen. And when I do orgasm because of him, it’s the most intense experiences. I start sobbing and shaking. I completely lose control and one time I even blacked out for a second because I was so completely consumed by what I felt.
I love how he has that much control. I love how alive he makes my body feel. I love how I completely lose all sense of self. I don’t want to lose that or him, but I can’t go on like this forever. I can’t ache for him forever.