Broken and Confused

Sir ended up messaging me shortly after I posted on here that he didn’t say a word to me after looking at my other page. Guilty conscience? Maybe. Well he got a surprise when he hopped on Skype because after I see Chick #2 post what she did, I sent him one LONG ass message about it. One of these days he will regret telling me to never hold back with him. Considering I’m a writer, once I start pouring out the thoughts in my head, I don’t stop for quite some time after.

So after he read my message, he took the time to write out a pretty detailed response, which is actually incredibly odd for him. Usually he doesn’t say much. But today he did. Today he took the time and while some of his response was less than ideal, he did make some valid points.

  • I am making things worse for myself by following her page. I justify it by saying I need to know what’s going on because how else will I know?
  • She’s in another country, so he said STOP WORRYING. (I get it. She would have to take care of a lot of legal shit which would get expensive and she certainly doesn’t have the funds for that.)

He did mention he has to get past his commitment issues again which is what is holding us back from being more. When he got back from his first deployment, she abandoned him when he needed her most. And his brain has been messed ever since. Deployments are hard enough, dealing with all the things you experience and see, and when you lose the one that got you through, it’s devastating. And I understand that.

I do feel he still has his ex on a pedestal she doesn’t deserve to be on. She moved on long ago, and he needs to as well. He needs to deal with his deployment issues. Then and only then will he be able to give of himself like he wants. Because he does want to, but he’s just not in a place where he can really give his all. So instead, most of the time, he just fools around, mindless screwing. Sometime he gets too involved, like he did with me, and then gets scared because everything is moving too fast for him and it frightens him.

I think part of it is because he’s afraid if he allows himself to feel and truly embrace the love he feels, the girl will do to him what his ex did. Yeah, some girls may, but he needs to realize at some point…I’M NOT LIKE MOST GIRLS. I swore to stick behind him through all of this, through the distance, the months of being separated, because I do love him that much and am willing to make many sacrifices to be with him.

I wanted to have his babies like we’ve talked about so many times. I want to see his face when my belly is huge and I’m ready to pop. I want to see his face when he holds his son or daughter for the first time.

I also wanted the right he told me he was going to put on my finger because he wanted me to be his wife. We talked about it for hours one night, what our wedding night would be like. It would have been the opposite of what I had with my ex.

The thing is, if Sir was here at that moment, and he looked at me and said “Marry me, right now”, I’d have done it because in my heart of hearts, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted that. I still do.

But unless Sir gets his shit together and realizes that I’m the one he’s been searching for, none of that is going to happen. And I don’t know how long I can hang on, how much hurt I can deal with, before he lets go of the past and embraces the future.

If he really searched inside of himself, he’d see exactly how he feels and what he wants. He admitted again today that we do have this intense connection that we can’t ignore. And I thought maybe it was a fluke, especially the way I react to him, but after talking to a new acquaintance on Fetlife, my current issue with orgasms is one a sub of his had.

I’ve never had my orgasms tied to another person. And I literally cannot come for anyone else or on my own without thinking of him. I either have to think of him and pretend he’s here with me, record videos for him or have intimate time on Skype. Otherwise, it doesn’t happen. And when I do orgasm because of him, it’s the most intense experiences. I start sobbing and shaking. I completely lose control and one time I even blacked out for a second because I was so completely consumed by what I felt.

I love how he has that much control. I love how alive he makes my body feel. I love how I completely lose all sense of self. I don’t want to lose that or him, but I can’t go on like this forever. I can’t ache for him forever.

You know what’s really upsetting? Knowing you just saw some of my posts on my other page about how I feel for you and you can’t even send me a message to say hi. Instead, I know you’re chatting with Her. It’s nice to know your Kitten rates so high.

fringeofdarkness:

On Taking a Submissive
In this dance on the fringe, a Dominant has many opportunities to sate his hunger. Any good submissive is eager to please and sees this as an important aspect of her service.
Yet, any Dominant who truly hungers understand this isn’t simply a physical act. I believe this is one of the most important distinctions between “vanilla” sex and taking a girl.
Consider this photo. He uses his body to envelop her under him. He whispers in her ear just how deep and full he is going to take her. And he impales her in a most erotic way, allowing her to feel both ravished and desired.
This has a profound impact on a girl. Taking her in this fashion makes her feel 100% woman. His whispers make her wet, whimper, and moan. She undulates and thrusts her ass up and back to envelop his cock and enhance his experience. And this arouses him even more as he drives harder and deeper.
The taking of a submissive is a delight to be savored. Over and over again. How I love this dance. .

fringeofdarkness:

On Taking a Submissive

In this dance on the fringe, a Dominant has many opportunities to sate his hunger. Any good submissive is eager to please and sees this as an important aspect of her service.

Yet, any Dominant who truly hungers understand this isn’t simply a physical act. I believe this is one of the most important distinctions between “vanilla” sex and taking a girl.

Consider this photo. He uses his body to envelop her under him. He whispers in her ear just how deep and full he is going to take her. And he impales her in a most erotic way, allowing her to feel both ravished and desired.

This has a profound impact on a girl. Taking her in this fashion makes her feel 100% woman. His whispers make her wet, whimper, and moan. She undulates and thrusts her ass up and back to envelop his cock and enhance his experience. And this arouses him even more as he drives harder and deeper.

The taking of a submissive is a delight to be savored. Over and over again. How I love this dance. .

I’m so hurt and angry

that I’m actually considering taking my ex up on his offer of sex. I know I’d hate myself after. I know it would absolutely bring no satisfaction, but I know he’s the one person you don’t want me with so maybe you’d feel some of the pain I feel.

And no, I have no feelings for my ex. NONE! But I figure if you can mindless fuck, why can’t I? The thing is, I won’t ever do it because I need a connection. I need something more. I need to feel safe. And you gave that to me…and ripped away.

erospainter:

“She didn’t understand that. “How can anyone be afraid of love?”“How can they not?” His face was completely aghast. “When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?” — Sherrilyn Kenyon (Devil May Cry)

erospainter:

“She didn’t understand that. “How can anyone be afraid of love?”
“How can they not?” His face was completely aghast. “When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?”
Sherrilyn Kenyon (Devil May Cry)

imsweets:

hecallsmekitten:

dreamsinthyme:

truth

So true!  -Kitten
Constant.

It was the overthinking that actually led me to the truth about what was going on. Granted, I should have known part of the truth based on information I had been told beforehand, but there were parts I had to overthink in order to get the truth. And now I want a punch a bitch in the face.

imsweets:

hecallsmekitten:

dreamsinthyme:

truth

So true! -Kitten

Constant.

It was the overthinking that actually led me to the truth about what was going on. Granted, I should have known part of the truth based on information I had been told beforehand, but there were parts I had to overthink in order to get the truth. And now I want a punch a bitch in the face.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.
Chuck Palahniuk (via laughterthroughtears)
lovequotesrus:

Photo Courtesy: blessedwithafuckingcurse

You say you do. You say you’re addicted to what we have, like it’s a drug, that you need it as much as I do….then tell me how the fuck you can give her parts of yourself when you have that kind of reaction to me? I’m your Kitten. Not just some toy to leave off to the side and use when no one else is around. I deserve better than that and that’s how you’re making me feel. Don’t tell me you need to keep up on your responsibilities for your Kitten when you take time from me to play with her. I needed you the other day. I needed you to check in on me after the intense “session” we had on Skype and you didn’t, but you gave her your time. I know because she talked about it on here…again. You didn’t have time to see if I was okay. I wasn’t. I needed reassurance from my Sir, but you weren’t there. And I cried…a lot.

lovequotesrus:

Photo Courtesy: blessedwithafuckingcurse

You say you do. You say you’re addicted to what we have, like it’s a drug, that you need it as much as I do….then tell me how the fuck you can give her parts of yourself when you have that kind of reaction to me? I’m your Kitten. Not just some toy to leave off to the side and use when no one else is around. I deserve better than that and that’s how you’re making me feel. Don’t tell me you need to keep up on your responsibilities for your Kitten when you take time from me to play with her. I needed you the other day. I needed you to check in on me after the intense “session” we had on Skype and you didn’t, but you gave her your time. I know because she talked about it on here…again. You didn’t have time to see if I was okay. I wasn’t. I needed reassurance from my Sir, but you weren’t there. And I cried…a lot.

theprettylittlezombies:

So pretty.